How to Manage with Big Emotions – This is a Big One and a Hard One
Children’s brains are still developing and will continue until they are in their mid to late 20s, sometimes later for boys. Our role as parents is to teach, through reflection and being patient, our non-verbals, and just sitting with them in their big emotion. Because children’s brains are not yet fully developed, they will have big emotions, particularly when facing challenges across their environments, it is important we are accepting of this and realise it is normal and that they build resilience overtime. Remember, big emotions often present when expectation exceeds capacity. Therefore, asking ourselves does my child/teenager need more scaffolding and support?
When in a state of stress (big emotions), our ‘thinking brain’ (cortex) is not working efficiently so we cannot reason, problem solve, or be reflective, and our children’s capacity is even lower due to their underdeveloped brain. We must be regulated (brain stem/survival brain to be calm) before our thinking brain is working again. Remember, you cannot reason with a child if they are presenting with big emotions, regulate before reasoning. We must help regulate the child – it is hard for children to regulate themselves as it is a skill they are still learning. The most powerful way for someone to move to calm is through the presence of someone we trust.
I believe we hugely underestimate the power of really understanding our child and how a new understanding can shift our lenses in terms of supporting them. What do I mean by this? Each child is different, and each child has a different personality and is triggered by different things and has varied capacity to tolerate stressors. By understanding our children’s needs, we can shift our lenses in terms of how we see them, and this will also increase our empathy towards their difficult behaviours.
Boundaries. Boundaries allow children to feel safe and understand the expectations. Boundaries should be consistent but flexible. children will not thank you for setting limits, so be prepared for big emotions, it is normal to feel disappointed when a limit is set, and this is all about them learning to cope with the disappointment. Parents/carers stay calm, reflect their disappointment but also hold the boundary.
Containment. When a child is in the middle of an emotional storm our job as parents is to contain NOT correct. If your child/teenager is becoming physical, attempt to contain them first – a small room can be useful as it is small, containing and away from noise and others watching. If you can, stay with them or if the child asks you to leave the room, let them know you are just outside, and they can come and get you when they need to. Tip: try to talk this through with your child when they are calm, ‘When you get upset, I think it might be a good idea for us to have a plan, I am going to take you into your room so we can be in their together, away from the noise and your brother”.
Stay Regulated. A dysregulated adult can never regulate a dysregulated child. When you can, parents keep your cool! Don’t join your child’s storm. When you feel yourself becoming stressed, take a minute to STOP, tell yourself it is ok, this is difficult, but this tornado will also pass, take a couple of big breaths and again tell yourself I must be the pilot of the ship (strong leader) that can withstand the storms.
Say and do nothing as a strategy to regulate. We can help a child to regulate with our presence alone – saying nothing – no logical or teaching – just sitting or being there – yes, say nothing – it is a strategy to say ‘nothing’ (maybe a sigh or two). Or you could say, ‘I believe you’ although you may see no logic, you are still validating their perspective.
Don’t join the power struggle and become offended, in the emotional storm, or join the power struggle. Your child will say some nasty things, or attempt to hook you into their storm, don’t take the bait, don’t react, and don’t join their storm, don’t enter the power struggle. You are the captain of the ship and in an event of a tornado the passengers (our children) need a strong leader. (yes, they should not say those things, but you can address them at another time)
Don’t be scared of your child, no more walking on eggshells. It’s okay to make adjustments for our neurodiverse children, but also, it’s okay for the family’s needs to come first at times, and as a result, big emotions may come up. That’s okay, we can weather the storm through the child’s big emotions. Tip: give the child plenty of notice so they are aware and can prepare for the change or upcoming event.
Sit on the bench with them when big emotions exist, resist the urge to pull them off the emotional bench by saying, ‘come on you’ll be right, don’t be dramatic’. Being with them teaches your child that it is okay to sit with your emotions and that they pass, particularly if you have someone that validates the emotion.
Build skills when the child is calm and at rest. When your child/teenager is calm you can talk to them and build skills around coping strategies and ideas that might help with upcoming stressors or persistent issues. It is helpful to build these skills so the child can learn to cope with big emotions– this helps the brain to develop, learn coping skills, and build resilience.
Repair is powerful and essential. Repair helps to build a stronger connection. Repairing builds trust and demonstrates that we are human and we to say things sometimes that we are not proud of.
Separate content from the emotion. When we are attempting to co-regulate, separate the content from the emotion. We often feel the need to problem solve the ‘content’ but it is often not helpful as a child’s thinking brain is not working efficiently when big emotions are present. It is more useful to regulate the emotion first; they are feeling worried (emotion) because of the excursion today (content). We can do this by saying simply, ‘I believe you’ ‘you sound worried’ ‘arha’ ‘wow that sounds hard’ as well as our non-verbals. Once they are regulated then you can help solve the problem (content).
Connection is currency. The stronger connection you have the more capacity you have to communicate with your child, regulate your child and for them to be influenced by your ideas and advice.